Sh*tposting on Week 2: A New Beginning for many teams but the same old for others

 The following is a journalistic presentation of
The Captain's Purple Anchor Productions
and Ravens Roost 117 Sh*tposting.

Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages! HAPPY SH*TPOSTING WEDENSDAY! Welcome to HOLD MY SNUGGIE studios for your 2022 Week 1 GAME HIGHLIGHTS OF THE WEEK!

Another season has officially begun. The Gods above are most pleased and we begin a new season. We will see sacks galore... Missed extra points.... The Glorious Wins... The Heartbreaking Losses... The Anger from the Dropped Passes, Interceptions, The Pain of Quarterbacks getting sacked... From the great kicks of 50 yards +... to the long touchdown throws.... Are you ready for a new season.

**TPIR loss sound** Yeah, something else happened too. We had something that happened just last year and it is becoming just a bit frequent as we've had 12 now in the past 20 seasons.

(Christie: What could it be.)

Sit down Christie.

BUFFALO BILLS 31 - LOS ANGELES RAMS 10

The season begins in Los Angeles, California with Josh Allen meeting up with the defending Super Bowl Champion Rams. Allen hacked and slashed the Rams D with 297 yards passing and 56 ground yards. Allen looked a lot more in confidence and stride than his counterpart in Matt Stafford, who just looked like straight septic garbage. Stafford was sacked 7 times and ran around like the fat f*ck that he is...

Cooper "Coffee" Kupp had 13 receptions for 128 yards. But it doesn't help when you're getting down field and Stafford isn't seeing you... How typical. It also doesn't help that the Rams D allowed 9 3rd down conversions out of 10... 

Stefon Diggs, the Maryland grad donkey kicked the Rams secondary with 8 catches and 122 yards.

Buffalo's D held their own with solid effort... Von Miller had 2 sacks, Jordan Phillips, and AJ Epenesa picked up 1 1/2. They kept Stafford running like a baby back b*tch. Oh well, there's always next time, Rams...

NEW ORLEANS 27 - ATLANTA FALCONS 26

The Era of Sean "Dumbass" Payton is over. Now bring in Dennis "Not the Menace" Allen for the New Orleans Saints. the Saints got off to a very bad start, going down 23-7 by the start of the 4th quarter. However Jameis "I stole crab legs because I thought I could get away with it" Winston turned on the lamp and managed to help the Saints to the win. I don't understand why the Falcons gonna Falcon? Doesn't anyone remember that...one game.... you remember that... Oh yeah, did I mention Matt Ryan was jettisoned for Marcus Mariota? Mariota played very well with 287 total yards and the offensive line did their job but unfortunately the Falcons D? Blew it again... Way to go, Morons.

CHICAGO BEARS 19 - SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS 10

This game had all the makings of a big 49ers win with Trey Lance "Cheese Crackers" running the show but apparently mother nature had other ideas as the field turned into a slip and slide of sorts for the boys in blue and those gold diggers from out west. Both teams had a lot of trouble moving the ball but penalties, penalties, penalties. Chicago earned FIVE FIRST DOWNS FROM PENALTIES! THE F*CK IS WRONG WITH YOU 49ERS! YOU JUST DON'T GIVE THE OTHER TEAM A FIRST DOWN! YOU GOTTA F*CKING EARN IT!!!! Hoy, I'm sorry. That kind of crap just drives me NUTS. The 49ers Trey Lance played quite unacceptable, under 50% passing, 164 yards, threw an ill-advised interception... and was sacked twice... Sometimes Lance looked like a damn deer in the headlamps. Anyway, Chicago wins this one and celebrates the way they should... Wet field makes it a slip and slide. Enjoy the win, boys.

PITTSBURGH STEELERS 23 - CINCINNATI BENGALS 20

Yeah, I know hate the Bengals... I hate the Steelers... but I seriously wish they would've just beaten the sh*t out of each other. Can you believe it, Joe "Groundhogs gotta" Burrow threw 3 Interceptions in the first half! 4 total for the game! What? Is he human? Maybe? Junior Jinx coming? Anyway, It's just amazing how badly this game went for the Bengals, they had several chances to win. But then Mitch "I am a little b*tch" Trubisky played surprisingly... a-ok. The Chicago cast-off who signed a 2-year deal with Mitch knowing that he's in control with Kenny Pickett waiting in the wings was surprisingly serviceable. Now comes the funny part, It's the 4th quarter, you got a 29-yard chip shot with just a few seconds left in the 4th and you will win... WHOMP WHOMP YOU...F*CKING...SHANKED IT!?!?!?! SWEET SUCCULENT JESUS ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN! Did I also mention he missed an extra point too. We move to overtime and both teams have had a possession apiece, Mitch "I'm a little b*tch" Tribusky hits Pat "Little John the" Freiermuth for a big gain and that'll set up a Boswell winning FG... THUD! Did you hear that!? DID YOU HEAR THAT!? There's a good chance we could have a tie here but then after a quick 3-and-out by Cincinnati. Trubisky hits Freiermuth to set up Boswell's kick... Yep... it's good... damn... a tie would've been better but whatever...

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES 38 - DETROIT LIONS 35

We move to the Motor City where Philadelphia took on the... Little Simbas... Yeah, that's right... the Little Simbas because they aren't Mufasas right now because Mufasa was a hero. (That's Detroit, Simba, YOU MUST NEVER GO THERE). Oh well, Detroit actually got off to a good start thanks to a Jamaal "That's 2 A's" Williams 1 Yard Run... but then came the bullsh*t... Jalen "That really" Hurts with 1 yard TD run... "Make sure spend money to earn" Miles Sanders with a TD run... Goff (OH NO) throws an interception and James "Not a Blueberry but a" Bradberry with the 27 yard INT... D'Andre Swift "The Fox" manages to stop the bleeding thanks to a 7 yard run, so we got a pretty competitive game here... Unfortunately, too much Jalen "That Really" Hurts and the D holds its own for an Eagles 38-35 win... Detroit went from Simba to Pumba... Actually, Pumba as a warthog would be able to score better than these morons...

MIAMI DOLPHINS 20 - NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS 7

The Patriots just don't have any clue who's calling the shots because it's screwing with Mac "Daddy" Jones' play calling... And that's why they got b*tchslapped by... Miami? The Hawaiian Warrior, Tua Tagovailoa was ready from the get go thanks to a 270 yard, one TD effort. "Freaky" Tyreek Hill with 94 yards catching in his debut. (Singing) Jaylen Waddle wanted the ball and he said to Tua, running his route, HEY! Bum Bum Bum! Throw that ball this way! So Tua threw the ball and Jaylen Waddle caught it for the TD! Then he waddled away (Waddle Waddle), Then he waddled away! Til the very next play. Bill Belichick was finally brought to his knees in this game and he just better find an offensive coordinator soon or else it's going to be a long season for the Pats... Which no one will feel bad about.

WASHINGTON COMMANDERS 28 - JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS 22

"Castaway" Carson Wentz has a new team... The Washington R(BLEEP)... Aren't they the (BLEEP)... They're still the (BLEEP). STOP WITH THE BLEEPS! THEY ARE STILL THAT (BLEEP)... Ah f*ck it, they're the Commanders... "Castaway" Carson had no problems with this game throwing for 313 yards and 4 Touchdowns and Trevor "I named my hair" Lawrence again just can't figure it out... even though Christian "Captain" Kirk managed 6 catches for 117 yards... He would've done better but he kept dropping easy THROWS!!!! (I dropped it!) And again (I dropped it!) Damn boy, drop another (I dropped it!). Seriously??? The defense came up with just 2 sacks of Lawrence but it should've more. My question is? Is Lawrence the answer for Jacksonville or is Jacksonville heading for another #1 pick. They may. We don't know.

CLEVELAND BROWNS 26 - CAROLINA PANTHERS 24

No DeShaun Watson for 11 games, but they do have Jacoby "Smoked" Brissett... He was very serviceable but the key state of the game? Ground yards. Cleveland had 217 of them thanks to Nick Chubb. Look at him go. But another thing, this was supposed to be a revenge game for "Hamburger Chef" Baker Mayfield... It turned out not to be as looked completely lost at times only completing 16 out of 27 passes for 235 yards. Mayfield's 75 yard TD to Robbie Anderson was a glorious and I might add, that was 35% of his accounted yardage. Mayfield got blown up no matter where he went.

Cleveland D? Solid allowing just 261 yards of offense. The same weight of one Ivan Drago... And Cleveland... WINS A ROAD OPENER FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE 1994! 1994!? IT'S BEEN THAT DAMN LONG!?!

HOUSTON TEXANS 20 - INDIANAPOLIS COLTS 20

Houston didn't really improve in the offseason and would stick with Davis "General" Mills as their starting quarterback who played... surprisingly a-ok. Hell, Houston even got off to a 20-3 lead going into the 4th quarter... Yeah, you know what happens next. Matty Ice is with a new team... Cast-off from Atlanta because he just couldn't win sh*t... It's not his fault that the team blew a 28-3 lead in the Super Bowl... Maybe the D should've played better... Well Matt Ryan led the charge! Look at that beautiful bastard throw that ball! OH MY!!! HE HITS MIKE "ARM" PITTMAN JR. FOR A 15 YARD TOUCHDOWN!!!! Now we're going to OVERTIME!!!!!!! Matt Ryan moving the ball well... uh huh... WHOOPS! Lost the ball there, Matty but you recovered nicely... hey, they're in Rico Blankenship range... this should be the end of the game right??? I mean... RIGHT!? YOU BASTARD!!! YOU SHANKED A 42-YARDER!? WHAT'S IN THE WATER RIGHT NOW!? and you know the rest of the story... Yeah... a tie... A TIE.... A DAMN TIE! ANOTHER DAMN TIE IN THE NFL! WHEN WILL THE NFL GET IT!? NO MORE TIES! PLAY UNTIL THERE'S A DAMN WINNER! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!

NEW YORK GIANTS 21 - TENNESSEE TITANS 20

Brian Daboll got himself into such a conundrum because he's dealing with Daniel "I drop dimes in a toilet not on the football field" Jones, a quarterback who's not on the elite level but takes too many lumps. Saquon "No-Quan" Barkley is back in action as well. You think with Henry and Ryan "Jack and Jill went up a" Tannehill, the Titans would have an easy quest for a win... Up 13-0 alright, not bad... but then the wheels came off. Saquon Barkley started eating up yards and Sterling "Hand me a crook because I'm a" Shepard takes off for 65 yards on a very nice Daniel Jones throw... and then look at this, the Giants... TOOK THE LEAD!? WELL SLAP ME silly... Wait.. NO.. DON'T DO THIS! THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL MOMENT! AW NO! YOU GOT FAT @$$ BULLOCK IN POSITION FOR A GAME WINNER!!!!! ANNNNNNNNNNNNND HE BLEW IT! Fat @$$ blew it! BRIAN DABOLL WINS HIS INAUGURAL GAME!!!!! Titans certainly choked away that game...

MINNESOTA VIKINGS 23 - GREEN BAY PACKERS 7

Aaron Rodgers should have an easy game here right? No more Davante Parker however... his go to guy... and um.... well... yeah... what hell happened? Minnesota's Justin "Movin' on up like George" Jefferson goes big league with 184 yards and 2 TD on 9 catches... Yeah Yeah, I know, the Packers should've won this game but what was wrong with Aaron Rodgers... He looked lost... He looked old... it was so bad that Jordan Love actually took over... but it wasn't enough.. The Packer offense just sputtered like a Tesla on its last bit of energy... Kirk "Don't forget to invite your" Cousins did remarkably well, 277 yards and 2 TD... actually had some very nice throws... Dalvin "I need a" Cook had 90 yards on 20 carriers and the defense ripped Rodgers to shreds thanks to 4 sacks... No explanation for this, Rodgers... Maybe it's time to just hang it up or are you trying to be that idiot on the Buccaneers... I think his name is Brady.

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS 44 - ARIZONA CARDINALS 21

Kyler "Are you bigger than a sixth grader" Murray was supposed to have one hell of a coming out game after he signed that massive extension during the offseason... (I guess not). Yeah, he looked.... bad... too many missed plays... looked like a deer in the headlights most of the time... the secondary of the Cardinals was scarred by "Mahomeboy" Patrick Mahomes for 5 TD and 360 yards. Mahomes may be back to his old ways again... Gotta live up to that $504 million you signed for... Travis "King" Kelce ripped off 8 catches for 121 yards and TD. I'm surprised at this game... Arizona didn't even put up a fight....

LOS ANGELES CHARGERS 24 - LAS VEGAS RAIDERS 19

Las Vegas has their share of problems... $190 million owed to the IRS... Mark Davis being a little puke to his front office... Them not keeping the man who got them to the playoffs in the first place!!! THEY CAST HIS @$$ OFF!!! Why? NO IDEA! But they paid for it with a loss to the Bolts. Justin Herbert "from Family Guy" (Guess whoooo....) sliced and diced the Raiders for 3 TD and 279 yards... How about that Charger D? 5 sacks of Derek "I don't have a" Carr. Las Vegas is trash... Mark Davis took Las Vegas for granted and I think it may be time for his stupid self to sell the team.

TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS 19 - DALLAS COWBOYS 3

Tom Brady retires... Gisele's happy... Tom Brady unretires.... Gisele.... NOT HAPPY! Gisele BITCHY! GISELE ANGRY! Why did you come back Tom? Why Why Why? You have achieved the pinnacle of achievement as there is NOTHING MORE FOR YOU TO WIN!!!! You got 7 Super Bowls, BE HAPPY! Oh look at this... 58 TD and 0 Interceptions in the Red Zone since he's been with the Buccaneers... that's nice... BUT IT'S TIME TO HANG IT UP! Oh yeah... the Cowboys lost their quarterback Dak Prescott... freak injury... That means, Cooper "There's no" Rush will take over for the time being... Dallas? Only team in the NFL on week 1 not to score a touchdown... Ha. I thought Dallas would put up a fight... unfortunately... they did not...

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS 17 - DENVER BRONCOS 16

Russell Wilson got a hero's booing when he walked into Lumen Field in Seattle... Nathaniel Hackett made his debut as the Broncos new head coach... but I don't understand what was going on with this game... Geno Smith, a castoff, was pretty good for Seattle, at one point even starting 17 for 18... But the biggest question was the 4th quarter.... 59 seconds left, you have 3 TIMEOUTS! TAKE A TIMEOUT! Look at that clock go! Take... a... time... out!!! HELLO! NATHANIEL!!! TIMEOUT! COME ON! WHY you huddling!? WHY! They get to the line only to... TAKE A TIMEOUT!? Talk about your poor clock management!!!!! So that means, they will have to kick a 64-yarder to win it! Brandon McManus... Justin Tucker... you ain't... Broncos... hang your head in shame... You wasted 340 yards passing from Russell Wilson... The defense played great and you still couldn't win the damn game...

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And now... our feature presentation...

BALTIMORE RAVENS 24 - NEW YORK JETS 9

So "Checkdown" Joe Flacco will be starting for the Jets... eh? I guess Zac "The Missionary" Wilson just wasn't ready now was he... Well at the first look, the Jets got off to a good start with that nice run but things went downhill from there... The Raven D played great but the secondary COULD'VE DONE better. Too many easy first downs in this game.. Marcus Williams with the PICK but... could've done more than just 3 there, Ravens... Lamar Jackson did play a great game but made some pretty questionable decisions. But look at these throws to Devin "Don't" Duvernay and Rashod "The Batman" Bateman! Much improved throwing much and action... The Jets however didn't have an answer on a lot of things... oh look, a meaningless interception... what's that going to get you? Ravens pull off the win and will welcome Miami at home on Sunday.

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Picks last week. I was 5-10-1 last week thanks to the pathetic play of so many teams whom I thought were going to win... So let's take a look at week 2 matchups.

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LOS ANGELES CHARGERS (1-0)
KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (1-0)

Thursday - 8:15pm - APV
Line: KC by 4 | OU 54 | FPI: KC 54.2% | Pick: KC

I expect this to be a shootout, take the Chiefs and the points

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NEW YORK JETS (0-1)
CLEVELAND BROWNS (1-0)

Sunday - 1:00pm - CBS
Line: CLE by 6.5 | OU 40 | FPI: CLE 75.8% | Pick: CLE

Easy pick here, Jets can't play football. Cleveland

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WASHINGTON COMMANDERS (1-0)
DETROIT LIONS (0-1)

Sunday - 1:00pm - CBS
Line: DET by 1.5 | OU 48.5 | FPI: WSH 55.7% | Pick: WSH

Simba gets cooked by the Commanders....

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TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (1-0)
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (1-0)

Sunday - 1:00pm - FOX
Line: TB by 2.5 | OU 44 | FPI: TB 70.2% | PICK: TB

I'm not encouraged by the Saints. Buccaneers and the points.

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CAROLINA PANTHERS (0-1)
NEW YORK GIANTS (1-0)

Sunday - 1:00pm - FOX
Line: NYG by 2 | OU 43.5 | FPI: CAR 54.6% | PICK: CAR

Baker Mayfield has a great game... Good comeback game...

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NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (0-1)
PITTSBURGH STEELERS (1-0)

Sunday - 1:00pm - CBS
Line: NE by 2 | OU 40 | FPI: 50% PIT | PICK: NE

We'll see what happens here... New England by 2.

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INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (0-0-1)
JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (0-1)

Sunday - 1:00pm - CBS
Line: IND by 4 | OU 45.5 | FPI: 57.7% IND | PICK: JAX

I'll actually take Jacksonville in this case, Indianapolis may develop some issues in this game because coming in with a tie? Kinda demoralizing.

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ATLANTA FALCONS (0-1)
LOS ANGELES RAMS (0-1)

Sunday - 4:05pm - FOX
Line: LAR by 10.5 | OU 46.5 | FPI: 81.9% LAR | PICK: LAR

Yeah... why bother, Atlanta!

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SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (1-0)
SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (0-1)

Sunday - 4:05pm - FOX
Line: SFO by 9 | OU 41.5 | FPI: 73.4% SFO | PICK: SEA

Trey Lance has a bad game. Geno Smith continues the renaissance. Seattle in an upset.

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CINCINNATI BENGALS (0-1)
DALLAS COWBOYS (0-1)

Sunday - 4:25pm - CBS
Line: CIN by 7.5 | OU 41.5 | FPI: 81.8% CIN | PICK: CIN

No Prescott, No Dallas win. Bengals easy.

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HOUSTON TEXANS (0-0-1)
DENVER BRONCOS (0-1)

Sunday - 4:25pm - CBS
Line: DEN by 10 | OU 45 | FPI: 78.0% DEN | PICK: DEN

Eh, take Denver here even though they screwed up last week.

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ARIZONA CARDINALS (0-1)
LAS VEGAS RAIDERS (0-1)

Sunday - 4:25pm - CBS
Line: LV by 5.5 | OU 51.5 | FPI: 62.5% LV | PICK: ARZ

I'll take Arizona here. Las Vegas may not be ready for this one after that crap of a game they put up versus the Chargers

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CHICAGO BEARS (1-0)
GREEN BAY PACKERS (0-1)

Sunday - 8:20pm - CBS
Line: GB by 10 | OU 42 | FPI: 87.1% GB | PICK: GB

Aaron Rodgers has a better game but Chicago will keep it close. Take Green Bay but not the points.

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TENNESSEE TITANS (0-1)
BUFFALO BILLS (1-0)

Monday - 7:15pm - ESPN
Line: BUF by 10 | OU 48 | FPI: 79.5% | PICK: BUF

Josh Allen throws 4 TD... I like the odds... Take Buffalo and the points.

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MINNESOTA VIKINGS (1-0)
PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (1-0)

Monday - 8:30pm - ABC/ESPN
Line: PHI by 2 | OU 50.5 | FPI: 66.0% PHI | PICK: MIN

Definitely take Minnesota in this one... Justin Jefferson should have another beautiful game.

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BALTIMORE RAVENS (1-0)

MIAMI DOLPHINS (1-0)

Sunday - 1:00pm - CBS

Line: BAL by 3.5 | OU 44.5 | FPI: 72.5% BAL | PICK: BAL

We remember what happened last year right? Lamar plays crappy, the Defense couldn't play, and that 8-3 record crumbled to a 6-game losing streak... But I definitely believe that the Ravens will get their revenge here... The Ravens will have to contend with Tyreek and Jaylen as the secondary last week gave up a bit too many easy first down plays to the hapless Jets. Hopefully we can do better this time...

I'll take Baltimore and the points. Our run game has to do better too.

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This your captain scoring the game winning touchdown and saying until next time, folks!!