Taking a sh*t on the 2023 NFL Draft - How'd the Ravens do?

Hello everyone,

The 2023 NFL draft is officially over and we are now getting ready for the schedule release in a few weeks in May. Yeah, it is time to sh*tpost again. The Ravens had a few picks in the draft. We dedicate this post to Dena.

Let's get it going.

Round 1 - WR - Zay Flowers - Grade 89 - H: 5' 10" W: 182lb
BOSTON COLLEGE

Ultraquick, instinctive, and visionary. This kid is going to fit real well in the Todd Monken scheme of the Ravens new offense. He is known for good chunk plays and needs to do better up the middle.

Projected Impact: Should be immediate. He is versatile, strong, great game-changing speed.

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Round 3 - ILB - Trenton Simpson - Grade 81 - H: 6' 2" W: 235lb
CLEMSON

What a steal at Inside Linebacker that did not make Patrick Queen very happy. Trenton Simpson is extremely explosive off of the line and is the ideal weakside linebacker for the team.

Projected Impact: Should pay dividends in the future or immediately. He is probably the biggest steal of the draft.

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Round 4 - OLB - Tavius Robinson - Grade 62 - H: 6' 6" - W: 257lb
OLE MISS

Played at the U of Guelph in Canada and Ole Miss in America. This Canadian Crusher is raw with very quick hands and plus power in tackles. Robinson is a very dedicated raw talent that will pay big in the end of the Ravens.

Projected Impact: A ready-to-go linebacker.

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Round 5 - CB - Kyu Blu Kelly - Grade 52 - H: 6' 0" - W: 191lb
STANFORD

You my boy Blu! Kelly is a tremendous speedy corner in press coverage with great 50-50 ball skill.

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Round 6 - OT - Malaesala Aumave-Laulu - Grade 40 - H: 6' 6" - W: 317lb
OREGON

Very quick and nimble on his feet. He remains me of a Roscoe Arbuckle but very raw talent with exceptional skill too.

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Round 7 - OT -Andrew Vorhees - Grade 35 - H: 6' 7" W: 320lb
SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

Vorhees will be out this year with a torn ACL, suffered at the NFL combine. Very strong player with great anchor skill. He won the Morris trophy and was a first team All-American.

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To be frank, the Ravens once again had a very simplistic draft where they went for diamonds in the rough and under-tooled players who are heralded as winners. For that, I give the Ravens an A-minus in their draft. I'm very happy with who they selected.

I expect Flowers and Simpson to make an instant impact. Robinson could be big down the road and the new OTs could be big.

Ravens undrafted signings:

1. Ohio defensive tackle Kaieem Caesar
2. Colorado State-Pueblo defensive tackle Trey Botts
3. Southern defensive end Camron Peterson
4. Connecticut center Jake Guidone
5. Kentucky offensive lineman Tashawn Manning
6. Southern Miss offensive tackle Tykeem Doss
7. SMU offensive lineman Jaylon Thomas
8. Oregon State offensive lineman Brandon Kipper
9. ECU running back Keaton Mitchell
10. Monmouth running back Owen Wright
11. Shepherd tight end Brian Walker
12. Nebraska tight end Travis Vokolek
13. Maryland wide receiver Dontay Demus Jr.
14. Vanderbilt cornerback Jeremy Lucien
15. UTSA cornerback Corey Mayfield Jr
16. Delaware quarterback Nolan Henderson

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Of all the undrafted signings, Dontay Demus Jr. should be a win-win on this team but I am still kind of leery about his leg injury. Until next time when we talk about the schedule. This is your captain signing off.

Sh*tposting on Week 4: And we're back after a bit of a wait

The following is a presentation of the Captain's Purple Anchor Productions, Ravens Roost 117, and Hold My Snuggie Studios.

Disclaimer: As you know, I've been away for a bit and not sh*tposting. Sadly because I've been dealing with a lot of stuff at work and has been stressing me out. So apologies again.

Current pick 'em: 5-10-1

Week 2 winners:
Chiefs, Jets, Lions, Buccaneers, Giants, Patriots, Jaguars, Dolphins, Rams, 49ers, Cowboys, Broncos, Cardinals, Packers, Bills, Eagles

I picked:
Chiefs (yes)
Browns (nope)
Commanders (nope)
Buccaneers (yes)
Panthers (nope)
Patriots (yes)
Jaguars (yes)

Ravens (nope)
Rams (yes)

Seahawks (nope)
Bengals (nope)
Broncos (yes)
Cardinals (yes)

Packers (yes)

Bills (yes)

Eagles (yes)

HEY!!! We got a plus week!!! 10-6!!! Brings me to 15-16-1

Week 3 winners:
Browns, Bears, Titans, Colts, Dolphins, Ravens, Bengals, Eagles, Panthers, Jaguars, Rams, Falcons, Packers, Broncos, Cowboys

I picked:
Browns (yes)
Saints (nope)
Texans (nope)
Chiefs (nope)
Dolphins (yes)
Vikings (yes)
Ravens (yes)
Jets (no)
Eagles (yes)
Chargers (no)

Titans (Yes)
Rams (yes)
Seahawks (no)
Packers (yes)
49ers (no)
Cowboys (no)

Week 3 final 8-8. Total: 23-24-1. Make-koshi for the week.... what a way to run a railroad...

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Now then, welcome to class everyone, hope everyone had a good time at The Atlantic.

What did we learn this week????

(John: Lamar Jackson is on pace for 68 total touchdowns, which is pretty remarkable.)

That's good, how about you Jill?

(Jill: John sometimes needs to shut up about stupid stats like that)

Now that's not nice....

(Jill: Well it's true sometimes.)

Save the arguments for later. Next? How about you Mary.

(Mary: Well despite being in Jamaica and almost getting hit by Hurricane Ian... I think the secondary stepped up and did what they needed to do to win. 5 Turnovers are a lot of turnovers)

Yes, the secondary though gave up another 300 yard passer but... Mac Jones did get hurt, so he might be out awhile. Anything else??? Christie

(Christie: Can somebody fix me a drink?)

There's no drinking in class, Christie... Ed?

(Ed: Uh... how about the D. It wasn't pretty but we got what we needed.)

That's right and that's the win.

(Victor: How about the game this week. Dolphins and Bengals? Who do we root for?)

Good question. I think we'd need to root for the Bengals in this case though the Dolphins would have the tiebreaker.

Are we all ready for this week's games?

(Everyone: YES!)

Let's get sh*tposting!

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MIAMI DOLPHINS (3-0)
CINCINNATI BENGALS (1-2)

Thursday - 8:15pm - Amazon Prime Video
Line: CIN by 4 | OU 47 | FPI: 75.3% CIN | PICK: CIN

Miami finally loses one, Cincinnati takes this one.

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MINNESOTA VIKINGS (2-1)
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (1-2)

Sunday - 9:30am - NFL Network
Line: MIN by 2.5 | OU 43.5 | FPI: 51.3% NO | PICK: MIN

There's nothing quite like waking up in the morning just to get the blood pumping with a good sh*t. You'll need to do that before breakfast if you want to catch this game in London. Take the Vikings as Jefferson could go off

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CLEVELAND BROWNS (2-1)
ATLANTA FALCONS (1-2)

Sunday - 1:00pm - CBS
Line: CLE by 1.5 | OU 49.5 | FPI: TIED | PICK: ATL

Atlanta needs this one if they want to stay in the NFC South race. They might just have enough firepower to beat the Cleveland Browns. Take Atlanta and a point I guess.

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WASHINGTON COMMANDERS (1-2)
DALLAS COWBOYS (2-1)

Sunday - 1:00pm - FOX
Line: DAL by 3 | OU 41.5 | FPI: 53.3% WSH | PICK: DAL

Cooper Rush is a pretty good quarterback... Pretty good... Yes... Pretty good indeed... 3-0 as a starter... Take the Cowboys... what am I thinking right now...

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SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (1-2)
DETROIT LIONS (1-2)

Sunday - 1:00pm - FOX
Line: DET by 4.5 | OU 50 | FPI: 65.3% DET | PICK: DET

I think Seattle has a quarterback problem. A really bad quarterback problem... something they need to mend and quickly... In this case, I'll take Detroit.. Hey, did you know they are favored AGAIN THIS WEEK!?

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INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (1-1-1)
TENNESSEE TITANS (1-2)

Sunday - 1:00pm - FOX
Line: IND by 3.5 | OU 42.5 | FPI: 60.4% IND | PICK: TEN

Tennessee really needs this game with how bad the south is... Maybe Tannehill can have a better game then what he's been putting up these last few weeks...

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CHICAGO BEARS (2-1)
NEW YORK GIANTS (2-1)

Sunday - 1:00pm - FOX
Line: NYG by 3 | OU 38.5 | FPI: 65.0% NYG | PICK: NYG

Justin Fields has recorded 8, 7, 8 passes in 3 games... Offenses are putting up more yards than him... The guy can throw but... honestly... Do the Bears need a new QB already? Go with the Giants in this case.

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JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (2-1)
PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (3-0)

Sunday - 1:00pm - CBS
Line: PHI by 6.5 | OU 48 | FPI: 67.3% PHI | PICK: PHI

Wow Trevor Lawrence has learned how to throw, it's about time. After an upending of the Chargers, he's actually doing something right for a change... It is his 2nd year after all though. But I got PHI in a very close one.

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NEW YORK JETS (1-2)
PITTSBURGH STEELERS (1-2)

Sunday - 1:00pm - CBS
Line: PIT by 3.5 | OU 40.5 | FPI: 67.9% PIT | PICK: NYJ

Flacco has thrown for 901 yards, 5 TD, and 3 INT... Pretty good... Pittsburgh will probably go to Pickett soon but I got the Jets in a close one... Pittsburgh never seemingly plays well at New Meadowlands...

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LOS ANGELES CHARGERS (1-2)
HOUSTON TEXANS (0-2-1)

Sunday - 1:00pm - CBS
Line: LAC by 5 | OU 44 | FPI: 70.4% LAC | PICK: LAC

Los Angeles will need to win this game, the West is turning into a wide open field. But what about Justin Herbert? Sure he's a tough guy but is he tough enough to get through this game. Texans are actually playing alright, but it's just not enough. Chargers for the win.

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ARIZONA CARDINALS (1-2)
CAROLINA PANTHERS (1-2)

Sunday - 4:05pm - FOX
Line: CAR by 1.5 | OU 42.5 | FPI: 52.8% CAR | PICK: CAR

Carolina is where my mom's family is from so.... Carolina it is.

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NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (1-2)
GREEN BAY PACKERS (2-1)

Sunday - 4:25pm - CBS
Line: GB by 9.5 | OU 40.5 | FPI: 88.8% GB | PICK: GB

Patriots lost Mac Jones for a significant amount of time... Soooooo. Green Bay it is.

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DENVER BRONCOS (2-1)
LAS VEGAS RAIDERS (0-3)

Sunday - 4:25pm - CBS
Line: LV by 2.5 | OU 45.5 | FPI: 58.3% LV | PICK: DEN

Raiders shouldn't even be favored in this game but then again, DEN only won 11-10 last week... I'll take Denver in this case.

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KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (2-1)
TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (2-1)

Sunday - 8:20pm - NBC
Line: KC by 2 | OU 45 | FPI: 63.3% | PICK: KC

Mahomes is already a superstar but that brick-brained week that Brady had leads me to believe he's taken a few too many hits and he just needs to retire. I think Tom is just trying to pad his stats... You know... Get to 90,000 yards passing, 700 total TD passes... all that jazz... But I got Mahomeboy and the Chiefs in a good win.

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LOS ANGELES RAMS (2-1)
SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (1-2)

Monday - 8:15pm - ABC/ESPN
Line: SF by 2.5 | OU 42 | FPI: 60.0% LAR | PICK: LAR

They actually favored the 49ers in this game? Why? I don't understand why. They lost 11-10 to the BRONCOS... YEAH... THOSE BRONCOS.... Take the Rams... and... Garropolo gets a boot in the ass.

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BALTIMORE RAVENS (2-1)

BUFFALO BILLS (2-1)

Sunday - 1:00pm - CBS

Line: BAL by 3 | OU 51.5 | FPI: 55.5% BAL | PICK: BAL

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Personally, this game should've been a 4:25pm national game. You got two superstar quarterbacks in Lamar Jackson and Josh Allen. Both teams are starting to get injured to hell and back. The day's weather though could be a problem with the rain from the remnants of Ian after it batters Florida. Right now, the Bills D is number 1, allowing just 240.7 yards per game at 183 pass yards allowed and just 57.7 rushing yards. But they are injured with two big defensive names out. They've lost some big names and personally, they're putting up the yards... Question is, why are they only 2-1? They should be 3-0.

Ravens play well at home, there is no doubt about that at all. But we can't allow a stinker like we did the first time we played at home this year. Ravens have to come out gunning, the secondary needs to do the same thing they did to the Patriots but this time to the Bills.

However, the weather might neutralize the passing game and it will be all ground game. You know that the Bills will stack the box but Lamar has been very crafty lately with his play. He's got 12 total touchdowns after all... What needs to happen here is we have to have a bend but don't break defense and a good showing by our run game if we really want to win this game.

Keys to victory:

1. Lamar Jackson has to come out swinging. One play at a time. Long sustained drives that shorten up the game and wear the D out. We did it the last time, lets see if we can't do it again.

2. Secondary needs to have a field day with Josh Allen. FINISH YOUR TACKLES.

3. Yeah I know, JT missed an XP but somebody just had to F up their assignment and cause issues! Oh well, no one's perfect. Limit the Bills on their starting field position. We did good against the Patriots... lets keep it up here.

4. Limit Diggs and force turnovers. Stefon Diggs could've been a Raven... still wondering why the Ravens passed up on him.
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I don't know about you but I do worry about this game. The Bills have a potent offense but It's based solely on the pass... We have to contain Josh Allen and prevent him from getting loose because he is a very mobile quarterback. All in All, it will be a great game, I say Ravens take this one by a final count of 35-25.

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This is your Captain scoring the game winning touchdown and saying see you next time.

Put your hand down Christie, class dismissed.

Sh*tposting on Week 2: A New Beginning for many teams but the same old for others

 The following is a journalistic presentation of
The Captain's Purple Anchor Productions
and Ravens Roost 117 Sh*tposting.

Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages! HAPPY SH*TPOSTING WEDENSDAY! Welcome to HOLD MY SNUGGIE studios for your 2022 Week 1 GAME HIGHLIGHTS OF THE WEEK!

Another season has officially begun. The Gods above are most pleased and we begin a new season. We will see sacks galore... Missed extra points.... The Glorious Wins... The Heartbreaking Losses... The Anger from the Dropped Passes, Interceptions, The Pain of Quarterbacks getting sacked... From the great kicks of 50 yards +... to the long touchdown throws.... Are you ready for a new season.

**TPIR loss sound** Yeah, something else happened too. We had something that happened just last year and it is becoming just a bit frequent as we've had 12 now in the past 20 seasons.

(Christie: What could it be.)

Sit down Christie.

BUFFALO BILLS 31 - LOS ANGELES RAMS 10

The season begins in Los Angeles, California with Josh Allen meeting up with the defending Super Bowl Champion Rams. Allen hacked and slashed the Rams D with 297 yards passing and 56 ground yards. Allen looked a lot more in confidence and stride than his counterpart in Matt Stafford, who just looked like straight septic garbage. Stafford was sacked 7 times and ran around like the fat f*ck that he is...

Cooper "Coffee" Kupp had 13 receptions for 128 yards. But it doesn't help when you're getting down field and Stafford isn't seeing you... How typical. It also doesn't help that the Rams D allowed 9 3rd down conversions out of 10... 

Stefon Diggs, the Maryland grad donkey kicked the Rams secondary with 8 catches and 122 yards.

Buffalo's D held their own with solid effort... Von Miller had 2 sacks, Jordan Phillips, and AJ Epenesa picked up 1 1/2. They kept Stafford running like a baby back b*tch. Oh well, there's always next time, Rams...

NEW ORLEANS 27 - ATLANTA FALCONS 26

The Era of Sean "Dumbass" Payton is over. Now bring in Dennis "Not the Menace" Allen for the New Orleans Saints. the Saints got off to a very bad start, going down 23-7 by the start of the 4th quarter. However Jameis "I stole crab legs because I thought I could get away with it" Winston turned on the lamp and managed to help the Saints to the win. I don't understand why the Falcons gonna Falcon? Doesn't anyone remember that...one game.... you remember that... Oh yeah, did I mention Matt Ryan was jettisoned for Marcus Mariota? Mariota played very well with 287 total yards and the offensive line did their job but unfortunately the Falcons D? Blew it again... Way to go, Morons.

CHICAGO BEARS 19 - SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS 10

This game had all the makings of a big 49ers win with Trey Lance "Cheese Crackers" running the show but apparently mother nature had other ideas as the field turned into a slip and slide of sorts for the boys in blue and those gold diggers from out west. Both teams had a lot of trouble moving the ball but penalties, penalties, penalties. Chicago earned FIVE FIRST DOWNS FROM PENALTIES! THE F*CK IS WRONG WITH YOU 49ERS! YOU JUST DON'T GIVE THE OTHER TEAM A FIRST DOWN! YOU GOTTA F*CKING EARN IT!!!! Hoy, I'm sorry. That kind of crap just drives me NUTS. The 49ers Trey Lance played quite unacceptable, under 50% passing, 164 yards, threw an ill-advised interception... and was sacked twice... Sometimes Lance looked like a damn deer in the headlamps. Anyway, Chicago wins this one and celebrates the way they should... Wet field makes it a slip and slide. Enjoy the win, boys.

PITTSBURGH STEELERS 23 - CINCINNATI BENGALS 20

Yeah, I know hate the Bengals... I hate the Steelers... but I seriously wish they would've just beaten the sh*t out of each other. Can you believe it, Joe "Groundhogs gotta" Burrow threw 3 Interceptions in the first half! 4 total for the game! What? Is he human? Maybe? Junior Jinx coming? Anyway, It's just amazing how badly this game went for the Bengals, they had several chances to win. But then Mitch "I am a little b*tch" Trubisky played surprisingly... a-ok. The Chicago cast-off who signed a 2-year deal with Mitch knowing that he's in control with Kenny Pickett waiting in the wings was surprisingly serviceable. Now comes the funny part, It's the 4th quarter, you got a 29-yard chip shot with just a few seconds left in the 4th and you will win... WHOMP WHOMP YOU...F*CKING...SHANKED IT!?!?!?! SWEET SUCCULENT JESUS ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN! Did I also mention he missed an extra point too. We move to overtime and both teams have had a possession apiece, Mitch "I'm a little b*tch" Tribusky hits Pat "Little John the" Freiermuth for a big gain and that'll set up a Boswell winning FG... THUD! Did you hear that!? DID YOU HEAR THAT!? There's a good chance we could have a tie here but then after a quick 3-and-out by Cincinnati. Trubisky hits Freiermuth to set up Boswell's kick... Yep... it's good... damn... a tie would've been better but whatever...

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES 38 - DETROIT LIONS 35

We move to the Motor City where Philadelphia took on the... Little Simbas... Yeah, that's right... the Little Simbas because they aren't Mufasas right now because Mufasa was a hero. (That's Detroit, Simba, YOU MUST NEVER GO THERE). Oh well, Detroit actually got off to a good start thanks to a Jamaal "That's 2 A's" Williams 1 Yard Run... but then came the bullsh*t... Jalen "That really" Hurts with 1 yard TD run... "Make sure spend money to earn" Miles Sanders with a TD run... Goff (OH NO) throws an interception and James "Not a Blueberry but a" Bradberry with the 27 yard INT... D'Andre Swift "The Fox" manages to stop the bleeding thanks to a 7 yard run, so we got a pretty competitive game here... Unfortunately, too much Jalen "That Really" Hurts and the D holds its own for an Eagles 38-35 win... Detroit went from Simba to Pumba... Actually, Pumba as a warthog would be able to score better than these morons...

MIAMI DOLPHINS 20 - NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS 7

The Patriots just don't have any clue who's calling the shots because it's screwing with Mac "Daddy" Jones' play calling... And that's why they got b*tchslapped by... Miami? The Hawaiian Warrior, Tua Tagovailoa was ready from the get go thanks to a 270 yard, one TD effort. "Freaky" Tyreek Hill with 94 yards catching in his debut. (Singing) Jaylen Waddle wanted the ball and he said to Tua, running his route, HEY! Bum Bum Bum! Throw that ball this way! So Tua threw the ball and Jaylen Waddle caught it for the TD! Then he waddled away (Waddle Waddle), Then he waddled away! Til the very next play. Bill Belichick was finally brought to his knees in this game and he just better find an offensive coordinator soon or else it's going to be a long season for the Pats... Which no one will feel bad about.

WASHINGTON COMMANDERS 28 - JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS 22

"Castaway" Carson Wentz has a new team... The Washington R(BLEEP)... Aren't they the (BLEEP)... They're still the (BLEEP). STOP WITH THE BLEEPS! THEY ARE STILL THAT (BLEEP)... Ah f*ck it, they're the Commanders... "Castaway" Carson had no problems with this game throwing for 313 yards and 4 Touchdowns and Trevor "I named my hair" Lawrence again just can't figure it out... even though Christian "Captain" Kirk managed 6 catches for 117 yards... He would've done better but he kept dropping easy THROWS!!!! (I dropped it!) And again (I dropped it!) Damn boy, drop another (I dropped it!). Seriously??? The defense came up with just 2 sacks of Lawrence but it should've more. My question is? Is Lawrence the answer for Jacksonville or is Jacksonville heading for another #1 pick. They may. We don't know.

CLEVELAND BROWNS 26 - CAROLINA PANTHERS 24

No DeShaun Watson for 11 games, but they do have Jacoby "Smoked" Brissett... He was very serviceable but the key state of the game? Ground yards. Cleveland had 217 of them thanks to Nick Chubb. Look at him go. But another thing, this was supposed to be a revenge game for "Hamburger Chef" Baker Mayfield... It turned out not to be as looked completely lost at times only completing 16 out of 27 passes for 235 yards. Mayfield's 75 yard TD to Robbie Anderson was a glorious and I might add, that was 35% of his accounted yardage. Mayfield got blown up no matter where he went.

Cleveland D? Solid allowing just 261 yards of offense. The same weight of one Ivan Drago... And Cleveland... WINS A ROAD OPENER FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE 1994! 1994!? IT'S BEEN THAT DAMN LONG!?!

HOUSTON TEXANS 20 - INDIANAPOLIS COLTS 20

Houston didn't really improve in the offseason and would stick with Davis "General" Mills as their starting quarterback who played... surprisingly a-ok. Hell, Houston even got off to a 20-3 lead going into the 4th quarter... Yeah, you know what happens next. Matty Ice is with a new team... Cast-off from Atlanta because he just couldn't win sh*t... It's not his fault that the team blew a 28-3 lead in the Super Bowl... Maybe the D should've played better... Well Matt Ryan led the charge! Look at that beautiful bastard throw that ball! OH MY!!! HE HITS MIKE "ARM" PITTMAN JR. FOR A 15 YARD TOUCHDOWN!!!! Now we're going to OVERTIME!!!!!!! Matt Ryan moving the ball well... uh huh... WHOOPS! Lost the ball there, Matty but you recovered nicely... hey, they're in Rico Blankenship range... this should be the end of the game right??? I mean... RIGHT!? YOU BASTARD!!! YOU SHANKED A 42-YARDER!? WHAT'S IN THE WATER RIGHT NOW!? and you know the rest of the story... Yeah... a tie... A TIE.... A DAMN TIE! ANOTHER DAMN TIE IN THE NFL! WHEN WILL THE NFL GET IT!? NO MORE TIES! PLAY UNTIL THERE'S A DAMN WINNER! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!

NEW YORK GIANTS 21 - TENNESSEE TITANS 20

Brian Daboll got himself into such a conundrum because he's dealing with Daniel "I drop dimes in a toilet not on the football field" Jones, a quarterback who's not on the elite level but takes too many lumps. Saquon "No-Quan" Barkley is back in action as well. You think with Henry and Ryan "Jack and Jill went up a" Tannehill, the Titans would have an easy quest for a win... Up 13-0 alright, not bad... but then the wheels came off. Saquon Barkley started eating up yards and Sterling "Hand me a crook because I'm a" Shepard takes off for 65 yards on a very nice Daniel Jones throw... and then look at this, the Giants... TOOK THE LEAD!? WELL SLAP ME silly... Wait.. NO.. DON'T DO THIS! THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL MOMENT! AW NO! YOU GOT FAT @$$ BULLOCK IN POSITION FOR A GAME WINNER!!!!! ANNNNNNNNNNNNND HE BLEW IT! Fat @$$ blew it! BRIAN DABOLL WINS HIS INAUGURAL GAME!!!!! Titans certainly choked away that game...

MINNESOTA VIKINGS 23 - GREEN BAY PACKERS 7

Aaron Rodgers should have an easy game here right? No more Davante Parker however... his go to guy... and um.... well... yeah... what hell happened? Minnesota's Justin "Movin' on up like George" Jefferson goes big league with 184 yards and 2 TD on 9 catches... Yeah Yeah, I know, the Packers should've won this game but what was wrong with Aaron Rodgers... He looked lost... He looked old... it was so bad that Jordan Love actually took over... but it wasn't enough.. The Packer offense just sputtered like a Tesla on its last bit of energy... Kirk "Don't forget to invite your" Cousins did remarkably well, 277 yards and 2 TD... actually had some very nice throws... Dalvin "I need a" Cook had 90 yards on 20 carriers and the defense ripped Rodgers to shreds thanks to 4 sacks... No explanation for this, Rodgers... Maybe it's time to just hang it up or are you trying to be that idiot on the Buccaneers... I think his name is Brady.

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS 44 - ARIZONA CARDINALS 21

Kyler "Are you bigger than a sixth grader" Murray was supposed to have one hell of a coming out game after he signed that massive extension during the offseason... (I guess not). Yeah, he looked.... bad... too many missed plays... looked like a deer in the headlights most of the time... the secondary of the Cardinals was scarred by "Mahomeboy" Patrick Mahomes for 5 TD and 360 yards. Mahomes may be back to his old ways again... Gotta live up to that $504 million you signed for... Travis "King" Kelce ripped off 8 catches for 121 yards and TD. I'm surprised at this game... Arizona didn't even put up a fight....

LOS ANGELES CHARGERS 24 - LAS VEGAS RAIDERS 19

Las Vegas has their share of problems... $190 million owed to the IRS... Mark Davis being a little puke to his front office... Them not keeping the man who got them to the playoffs in the first place!!! THEY CAST HIS @$$ OFF!!! Why? NO IDEA! But they paid for it with a loss to the Bolts. Justin Herbert "from Family Guy" (Guess whoooo....) sliced and diced the Raiders for 3 TD and 279 yards... How about that Charger D? 5 sacks of Derek "I don't have a" Carr. Las Vegas is trash... Mark Davis took Las Vegas for granted and I think it may be time for his stupid self to sell the team.

TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS 19 - DALLAS COWBOYS 3

Tom Brady retires... Gisele's happy... Tom Brady unretires.... Gisele.... NOT HAPPY! Gisele BITCHY! GISELE ANGRY! Why did you come back Tom? Why Why Why? You have achieved the pinnacle of achievement as there is NOTHING MORE FOR YOU TO WIN!!!! You got 7 Super Bowls, BE HAPPY! Oh look at this... 58 TD and 0 Interceptions in the Red Zone since he's been with the Buccaneers... that's nice... BUT IT'S TIME TO HANG IT UP! Oh yeah... the Cowboys lost their quarterback Dak Prescott... freak injury... That means, Cooper "There's no" Rush will take over for the time being... Dallas? Only team in the NFL on week 1 not to score a touchdown... Ha. I thought Dallas would put up a fight... unfortunately... they did not...

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS 17 - DENVER BRONCOS 16

Russell Wilson got a hero's booing when he walked into Lumen Field in Seattle... Nathaniel Hackett made his debut as the Broncos new head coach... but I don't understand what was going on with this game... Geno Smith, a castoff, was pretty good for Seattle, at one point even starting 17 for 18... But the biggest question was the 4th quarter.... 59 seconds left, you have 3 TIMEOUTS! TAKE A TIMEOUT! Look at that clock go! Take... a... time... out!!! HELLO! NATHANIEL!!! TIMEOUT! COME ON! WHY you huddling!? WHY! They get to the line only to... TAKE A TIMEOUT!? Talk about your poor clock management!!!!! So that means, they will have to kick a 64-yarder to win it! Brandon McManus... Justin Tucker... you ain't... Broncos... hang your head in shame... You wasted 340 yards passing from Russell Wilson... The defense played great and you still couldn't win the damn game...

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And now... our feature presentation...

BALTIMORE RAVENS 24 - NEW YORK JETS 9

So "Checkdown" Joe Flacco will be starting for the Jets... eh? I guess Zac "The Missionary" Wilson just wasn't ready now was he... Well at the first look, the Jets got off to a good start with that nice run but things went downhill from there... The Raven D played great but the secondary COULD'VE DONE better. Too many easy first downs in this game.. Marcus Williams with the PICK but... could've done more than just 3 there, Ravens... Lamar Jackson did play a great game but made some pretty questionable decisions. But look at these throws to Devin "Don't" Duvernay and Rashod "The Batman" Bateman! Much improved throwing much and action... The Jets however didn't have an answer on a lot of things... oh look, a meaningless interception... what's that going to get you? Ravens pull off the win and will welcome Miami at home on Sunday.

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Picks last week. I was 5-10-1 last week thanks to the pathetic play of so many teams whom I thought were going to win... So let's take a look at week 2 matchups.

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LOS ANGELES CHARGERS (1-0)
KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (1-0)

Thursday - 8:15pm - APV
Line: KC by 4 | OU 54 | FPI: KC 54.2% | Pick: KC

I expect this to be a shootout, take the Chiefs and the points

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NEW YORK JETS (0-1)
CLEVELAND BROWNS (1-0)

Sunday - 1:00pm - CBS
Line: CLE by 6.5 | OU 40 | FPI: CLE 75.8% | Pick: CLE

Easy pick here, Jets can't play football. Cleveland

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WASHINGTON COMMANDERS (1-0)
DETROIT LIONS (0-1)

Sunday - 1:00pm - CBS
Line: DET by 1.5 | OU 48.5 | FPI: WSH 55.7% | Pick: WSH

Simba gets cooked by the Commanders....

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TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (1-0)
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (1-0)

Sunday - 1:00pm - FOX
Line: TB by 2.5 | OU 44 | FPI: TB 70.2% | PICK: TB

I'm not encouraged by the Saints. Buccaneers and the points.

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CAROLINA PANTHERS (0-1)
NEW YORK GIANTS (1-0)

Sunday - 1:00pm - FOX
Line: NYG by 2 | OU 43.5 | FPI: CAR 54.6% | PICK: CAR

Baker Mayfield has a great game... Good comeback game...

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NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (0-1)
PITTSBURGH STEELERS (1-0)

Sunday - 1:00pm - CBS
Line: NE by 2 | OU 40 | FPI: 50% PIT | PICK: NE

We'll see what happens here... New England by 2.

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INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (0-0-1)
JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (0-1)

Sunday - 1:00pm - CBS
Line: IND by 4 | OU 45.5 | FPI: 57.7% IND | PICK: JAX

I'll actually take Jacksonville in this case, Indianapolis may develop some issues in this game because coming in with a tie? Kinda demoralizing.

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ATLANTA FALCONS (0-1)
LOS ANGELES RAMS (0-1)

Sunday - 4:05pm - FOX
Line: LAR by 10.5 | OU 46.5 | FPI: 81.9% LAR | PICK: LAR

Yeah... why bother, Atlanta!

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SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (1-0)
SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (0-1)

Sunday - 4:05pm - FOX
Line: SFO by 9 | OU 41.5 | FPI: 73.4% SFO | PICK: SEA

Trey Lance has a bad game. Geno Smith continues the renaissance. Seattle in an upset.

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CINCINNATI BENGALS (0-1)
DALLAS COWBOYS (0-1)

Sunday - 4:25pm - CBS
Line: CIN by 7.5 | OU 41.5 | FPI: 81.8% CIN | PICK: CIN

No Prescott, No Dallas win. Bengals easy.

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HOUSTON TEXANS (0-0-1)
DENVER BRONCOS (0-1)

Sunday - 4:25pm - CBS
Line: DEN by 10 | OU 45 | FPI: 78.0% DEN | PICK: DEN

Eh, take Denver here even though they screwed up last week.

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ARIZONA CARDINALS (0-1)
LAS VEGAS RAIDERS (0-1)

Sunday - 4:25pm - CBS
Line: LV by 5.5 | OU 51.5 | FPI: 62.5% LV | PICK: ARZ

I'll take Arizona here. Las Vegas may not be ready for this one after that crap of a game they put up versus the Chargers

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CHICAGO BEARS (1-0)
GREEN BAY PACKERS (0-1)

Sunday - 8:20pm - CBS
Line: GB by 10 | OU 42 | FPI: 87.1% GB | PICK: GB

Aaron Rodgers has a better game but Chicago will keep it close. Take Green Bay but not the points.

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TENNESSEE TITANS (0-1)
BUFFALO BILLS (1-0)

Monday - 7:15pm - ESPN
Line: BUF by 10 | OU 48 | FPI: 79.5% | PICK: BUF

Josh Allen throws 4 TD... I like the odds... Take Buffalo and the points.

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MINNESOTA VIKINGS (1-0)
PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (1-0)

Monday - 8:30pm - ABC/ESPN
Line: PHI by 2 | OU 50.5 | FPI: 66.0% PHI | PICK: MIN

Definitely take Minnesota in this one... Justin Jefferson should have another beautiful game.

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BALTIMORE RAVENS (1-0)

MIAMI DOLPHINS (1-0)

Sunday - 1:00pm - CBS

Line: BAL by 3.5 | OU 44.5 | FPI: 72.5% BAL | PICK: BAL

We remember what happened last year right? Lamar plays crappy, the Defense couldn't play, and that 8-3 record crumbled to a 6-game losing streak... But I definitely believe that the Ravens will get their revenge here... The Ravens will have to contend with Tyreek and Jaylen as the secondary last week gave up a bit too many easy first down plays to the hapless Jets. Hopefully we can do better this time...

I'll take Baltimore and the points. Our run game has to do better too.

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This your captain scoring the game winning touchdown and saying until next time, folks!!

Sh*tposting NFL Week 1: Let us pray to the Football Gods above...

 The following is a journalistic presentation of
The Captain's Purple Anchor Productions
and Ravens Roost 117 Sh*tposting.

Welcome back to your next round of sh*tposting. The Football Gods are most proud that we are inching ever closer to the real thing.

Good Afternoon Class and welcome to another round of sh*tposting 101. So what did we learn last week, class?

(Christie: Gus Edwards will be out the next 4 games)

Very good Christie. Anyone else.

(Michelle: That our defense was just mostly second and third teamers and they gave up a lot of yards vs. that... Washington team they call the Commanders now?)

That's true. Anyone else.

(John B.: Uh... injuries were very limited this preseason.)

If at all any. Very good. Anyone else

(Ed: That new guy Demarcus Robinson is pretty good. Hauled in a 67-yard touchdown catch.)

Yes and even had 135 yards on 4 catches to boot.

(Christie: Ronnie Stanley's back!)

Not yet. Anyone else?

(James: Lamar still hasn't gotten an extension yet.)

Clock is ticking on that...

(Mary: Dicker the Kicker is gone...)

And your point is? Alright, that's enough of that.

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3 weeks of preseason? Done. Now the real thing begins after this week concludes. Question is... how did the Ravens stack up. 23 straight preseason wins.... not like it matters... but 23... that's pretty good.

Mary, happy birthday, but put your hand down. (Mary: Aw man. How come he gets to talk about the Ravens, and we don't.)

Because I got the laptop and you are sitting at your desk ready to make your picks for this week right?

(Mary: Oh! That's why I got this play money next to me right?)

That's right. Now, let's talk week 3 of preseason.

Demarcus Robinson was signed late in the preseason and he made an immediate impact, picking up a 67-yard TD on his first catch on a pass from Anthony Brown... Why we didn't keep him boggles the mind... Kid's got a strong arm. The Ravens passing game looks well, fairly comfortable, Huntley threw the ball a few times but that's about it. Our run game? Not so great, but then again, it was preseason, only 12 yards on the ground.

Sam Howell's performance as the Washington Commanders quarterback was not bad but he did show where the Ravens really need to shore up the secondary as he did get some great throws in plus some good runs.

Once again the Rookies were outstanding, Tyler Lindenbaum has turned into a giant at Center, Daniel Faalele's tubbo power gave Brown time to throw.

Despite being outgained in everything from First Downs to Total Yards. The scoreboard said it all. 17-15 win over the Commander using 2nd, 3rd, and 4th teamers... shows that the Ravens do have some work to do but they do get a B+ for their efforts but the D showed some issues. 134 yards allowed on the ground and 254 yards passing.

The final stat lines for the Ravens:

10 total offensive drives
37 plays
302 yards of offense (281 Air / 21 Ground)
No turnovers
20:31 Time of Possession
9 First Downs (7 Air / 2 Ground)
1/8 on Third Down

4 penalties for 32 yards

Defensive:
2 Interceptions
388 yards allowed (254 Air / 134 Ground)
0 sacks for 0 yards.

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Before we head into Synopsis of our first week's game. Let us take a look at the final preseason picks

Green Bay Packers vs. Kansas City Chiefs (Pick: KC) - YEP!

San Francisco 49ers vs. Houston Texans (Pick: SF) - No

Buffalo Bills vs. Carolina Panthers (Pick: BUF) - No

Seattle Seahawks vs. Dallas Cowboys (Pick: DAL) - No

Los Angeles Chargers vs. New Orleans Saints (Pick: LAC) - No

New England Patriots vs. Las Vegas Raiders (Pick: NE) - No

Jacksonville Jaguars vs. Atlanta Falcons (Pick: JAX) - No

Los Angeles Rams vs. Cincinnati Bengals (Pick: LAR) - No

Chicago Bears vs. Cleveland Browns (Pick: CLE) - No

Arizona Cardinals vs. Tennessee Titans (Pick: TEN) - YEP!

Philadelphia Eagles vs. Miami Dolphins (Pick: MIA) - No

Washington Commanders vs. Baltimore Ravens (Pick: BAL) - YEP!

Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs. Indianapolis Colts (Pick: IND) - YEP!

Minnesota Vikings vs. Denver Broncos (Pick: DEN) - YEP!

New York-AFC vs. New York-NFC (Pick: NYJ) - YEP!

Detroit Lions vs. Pittsburgh Steelers (Pick DET) - No

Record: 6-10 (19-29 on the preseason). Eh... whatever.

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Before we begin my synopsis of this opening week battle between the Ravens and Jets...

Let us pray together: Mighty and Everlasting Football Gods above... Another season of Ravens football is here... May the beers and soda flow like rain... Let us pack our stomachs full of nachos, pizza, hot dogs, and any other high-fat, artery-clogging, sodium-laden snack we can get our hands on... Let us be drunk with cheers when our Ravens win... Let us cheer when the Steelers, Browns, or Bengals get their asses kicked... Let us rise up and show the rest of the nation that we are a football town unlike Taglibue who thinks we're just a museum town... Let us show no mercy this year... and may the injuries be lighter than what we experienced last year... Let us jump up in thrill in every score, Ravens defensive interception, and long range Tuck-Yeah field goal... and should the Ravens find the promised land... may it be the biggest asswhupping the Ravens hand to the teams in that land and finally get the detractors and critics to shut up... Let Lamar have an MVP season and let our defense do their job... Amen.

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Week 1 at New York Jets (Sunday - 1pm - CBS - WJZ-13)
Line: Ravens -7 (Over/Under 44.5 / Money Line: Ravens -330 / Jets +260)
ESPN FPI: 73.5% BAL
Majority: BAL

The Jets... J-E-T-S. Jets... Jets... Jets... at the New Meadowlands where the Ravens will have to travel. Personally, I wish Lamar would've played a few series and I think he might be a bit rusty to start the season given that he was on the bench during the preseason. The Jets are already getting injured with several players going down with knee injuries... Then you have the quarterback question? Will Zac Wilson be healthy enough to start? Or will Joe Flacco go up against his former mates? We shall see about that. The Jets got a great draft pick in Sauce Gardner... By the way, who names their kid... Sauce... The Ravens secondary should be back up to snuff again and the defense will have to trifle with whomever is at quarterback. The team managed to come out of preseason with a very limited number of injuries, if at all, any.

Synopsis: Lamar Jackson has to use every weapon imaginable this season if he doesn't get his contract extension, he pretty much has to earn it at this point, much like what they did with Joe Flacco in 2013 after Super Bowl XLVII. The problem is the contract goes to their head. Rashod Bateman should have a breakout season. Lamar could have 1,000 yards rushing again and over 4,000 yards passing. Look for the Ravens to come out on all cylinders in New Jersey and go big with the victory

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3 Keys to victory:

1. Lamar Jackson needs to come out ready to play and have the distractions out.

2. Keep the Jets honest as they do have a good wide receiving core

3. Hold onto that ball. Time of possession is key and wearing the Jets D out early might mean a long day at the Meadowlands for our opposition.

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Prediction: BAL 33 - NYJ 10. Ravens cover the spread but take the under on this one. Might just net you a pretty penny on a measly $50 bet.

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Week 1 selections

Buffalo Bills vs. Los Angeles Rams
Line - BUF -2.5 | (O/U 53) | FPI: 49.9% LAR
My Prediction: BUF 19 - LAR 17

New Orleans Saints vs. Atlanta Falcons
Line - NO: -5.5 | (O/U 42.5) | FPI: 66.8% NO
My Prediction: NO 26 - ATL 13

San Francisco 49ers vs. Chicago Bears
Line - SF: -7 | (O/U 41.5) | FPI: 72.4% SF
My Prediction: SF 30 - CHI 13

Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Cincinnati Bengals
Line - CIN: -6.5 | (O/U 44.5) | FPI: 69.1% CIN
My Prediction: CIN 25 - PIT 20

Philadelphia Eagles vs. Detroit Lions
Line - PHI: -4 | (O/U 48.5) | FPI: 62.3% PHI
My Prediction: PHI 24 - DET 14

New England Patriots vs. Miami Dolphins
Line - MIA: -3 | (O/U 44.5) | FPI: 51.0% NE
My Prediction: MIA 17 - NE 13

Jacksonville Jaguars vs. Washington Commanders
Line - WSH: -3 | (O/U 44) | FPI: 65.7% WSH
My Prediction: WSH 21 - JAX 17

Cleveland Browns vs. Carolina Panthers
Line - CAR: -2 | (O/U 41.5) | FPI: 65.3% CLE
My Prediction: CAR 33 - CLE 7

Indianapolis Colts vs. Houston Texans
Line - IND: -8 | (O/U 45.5) | FPI: 74.2% IND
My Prediction: IND 38 - HOU 10

New York Giants vs. Tennessee Titans
Line - TEN: -5.5 | (O/U 43.5) | FPI: 63.6% TEN
My Prediction: TEN 29 - NYG 10

Green Bay Packers vs. Minnesota Vikings
Line - GB: -2 | (O/U 48) | FPI: 53.7% GB
My Prediction: GB 23 - MIN 9

Kansas City Chiefs vs. Arizona Cardinals (UPSET ALERT!)
Line - KC: -4.5 | (O/U 53.5) | FPI: 52.4% ARZ
My Prediction: ARZ 31 - KC 30

Las Vegas Raiders vs. Los Angeles Chargers (UPSET ALERT!)
Line - LAC: -3 | (O/U 52) | FPI: 62.2% LAC
My Prediction: LV 24 - LAC 18

Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs. Dallas Cowboys (UPSET ALERT!)
Line - TB: -1.5 | (O/U 50) | FPI: 61.9% DAL
My Prediction: DAL 30 - TB 27

Denver Broncos vs. Seattle Seahawks
Line - DEN: -6.5 | (O/U 42) | FPI: 57.3% DEN
My Prediction: DEN 24 - SEA 7

A reminder of those picks: BAL, BUF, NO, SF, CIN, PHI, MIA, WSH, CAR, IND, TEN, GB, ARZ, LV, DAL, DEN

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5 Best Bets: BAL, ARZ, CAR, TEN, GB

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Well folks, sadly, Jo and I will not be joining the Ravens Roost 117 for the first game at The Atlantic due to us coming home from our respective trips. I'll probably be stopped somewhere in Ohio getting lunch somewhere, but I will be going live a few times to give you guys respective updates and stuff like that.

(Christie: Aw man, we wanted to see you guys)

(Ed: Well that's not cool)

(Mary: I guess we'll have to save a drink for you both.)

(John: Safe travels on your return home then.)

(Jill: Bring us back something)

Sorry, I don't think we can do that but again, like I said before, the last third of 2022 will be very busy for us, so away games at the Atlantic may be difficult to attend. 

Thank you all, class dismissed. This is your captain scoring the game winning touchdown and saying see you next time.

Let's get sh*t-posting: Preseason Week 2 Ravens Analysis and NFL Preseason Week 3 Selections

 The following is a journalistic presentation of
The Captain's Purple Anchor Productions
Ravens Roost 117 Blogging

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Hello Children! Welcome to sh*tposting 101 in the Ravens Roost! (HOORAY!!! YAY!) Another preseason week done... (HOORAY!)... Getting closer to the regular season.... (HOORAY!)

Are we ready for more sh*tposting? (YES! Absolutely! Sure am!)

Do you mind if I keep sh*tposting? (No!!!!!)

You got a problem with the bad language as LONG as it is censored (No!!!!)

Ok, back to sh*tposting (I do have one question though!)

Must be Michelle asking the question... Ok, What's that? (What is sh*tposting?)

I'll leave that for you to decipher. (Why? You don't know the answer?)

No, because you don't know what it is and you want me to answer your question (yeah!)

Sorry. Not happening. Anyway, back to sh*tposting (NO, WE WANT TO KNOW WHAT SH*TPOSTING IS!)

Nah. Anyway, another week of preseason is in the books and it's time to go over what we learned this week, children. (Someone raises their hand.)

Yes Mary (Josh, what is... sh*tposting?)

Oh geez... NEXT!!!

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There goes Week 2 of the preseason... everyone has one more game to play and we will get ready for the real thing starting after this slate of games. By the way, how did the Ravens stack up?

(Oooh! I know, I know!)

Christie, we know you know, now put your hand down and tell Pat to grab me a beer. I could use one with the week I've had.

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Analysis of the Ravens for Week 2:

Did you see that tight end named Isaiah Likely? Boy, he was good. Played 15 snaps, had 8 targets, 8 catches, 100 yards, and a score. How about that dude Tyler Huntley. Making a case to be starter maybe? Ah, that belongs to Lamar but he was absolutely wonderful with his passing as he completed his first 8 passes of the game and finished 13/14 for 129 yards and TD. Not bad at all. He's completed 91% of his passes his preseason after all. The Ravens running game left a lot to be desired though as they only managed 1 10-yard carry and 75 ground yards.

Well the bad news is that Gus the Bus will miss at least the first four games of the season as he is still recovering from his injury. We hope for a speedy recovery.

The defense was outstanding with their play coming up with 3 sacks and 2 turnovers and held their opponents to just 55 ground yards but they were very inefficient on 3rd downs allowing 8 3rd down conversions, 20 first downs (13 from pass, 3 from rushing, and 4 from penalties)

The Ravens committed 12 penalties for 116... That needs to come down (F*ck!)

What you like penalties? (No!)

Hoy, you guys are confusing sometimes.... Put your hand down, Ed.

Injury wise, the Ravens escaped with a scare to towering tubbo, Daniel Faalele who had just cramps when it was initially thought he suffered a severe knee injury... 

Overall, I give the Ravens a B for effort, we need to tighten the screws on the defensive side of the ball... cut down on the penalties... and what else.

I guess Christie knows... what is it, Christie?

(That would be..... cut down on the 3rd down conversions?)

Very much so. Allowing 8/15 is pretty heavy. We got to do better there.

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The final stat lines for the Ravens:

10 total offensive drives
54 plays
292 yards of offense (217 Air / 75 Ground)
1 Turnover (+1 on turnover battle)
31:55 Time of Possession
17 First Downs (11 Air / 5 Ground / 1 Penalty)
3/8 on Third Down

12 penalties for 116 yards

Defensive:
2 Interceptions
306 yards allowed (251 Air / 55 Ground)
3 sacks for 15 yards.

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Week 3 vs. Commanders (SAT - 7pm - NBC - WBAL-11)

Oh goodie, the Commanders... I don't understand the reason behind the name. But ok. I think this will be a dress rehearsal for the first teamers and any rookies that have been doing very well. Shemar Bridges actually was nowhere to be found in the 2nd game but I do expect him to catch a few balls here. The roster is now down to 80 but more cuts are going to be made following this game.

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So how did I do last week with my preseason picks:

Chicago Bears vs. Seattle Seahawks (Pick: CHI) - Nope

Carolina Panthers vs. New England Patriots (Pick: CAR) - YEP!

New Orleans Saints vs. Green Bay Packers (Pick: NO) - Nope

Houston Texans vs. Los Angeles-NFC (Pick: LAR) - Nope

Denver Broncos vs. Buffalo Bills (Pick: BUF) - YEP!

Detroit Lions vs. Indianapolis Colts (Pick: IND) - Nope

Washington Commanders vs. Kansas City Chiefs (Pick: KC) - YEP!

Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs. Tennessee Titans (Pick: TEN) - YEP!

Las Vegas Raiders vs. Miami Dolphins (Pick: MIA) - Nope

San Francisco 49ers vs. Minnesota Vikings (Pick: MIN) - Nope

Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Jacksonville Jaguars (Pick: PIT) - YEP!

Dallas Cowboys vs. Los Angeles-AFC (Pick: LAC) - Nope

Philadelphia Eagles vs. Cleveland Browns (Pick: PHI) - YEP!

Cincinnati Bengals vs. New York-NFC (Pick: CIN) - Nope

Baltimore Ravens vs. Arizona Cardinals (Pick: BAL) - YEP!

Atlanta Falcons vs. New York-AFC (Pick: ATL) - Nope

Record: 7-9 (13-19 on the preseason). Dammit, only a game better than last week! I didn't parlay again.

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Week 3 selections:

Green Bay Packers vs. Kansas City Chiefs (Pick: KC)

San Francisco 49ers vs. Houston Texans (Pick: SF)

Buffalo Bills vs. Carolina Panthers (Pick: BUF)

Seattle Seahawks vs. Dallas Cowboys (Pick: DAL)

Los Angeles Chargers vs. New Orleans Saints (Pick: LAC)

New England Patriots vs. Las Vegas Raiders (Pick: NE)

Jacksonville Jaguars vs. Atlanta Falcons (Pick: JAX)

Los Angeles Rams vs. Cincinnati Bengals (Pick: LAR)

Chicago Bears vs. Cleveland Browns (Pick: CLE)

Arizona Cardinals vs. Tennessee Titans (Pick: TEN)

Philadelphia Eagles vs. Miami Dolphins (Pick: MIA)

Washington Commanders vs. Baltimore Ravens (Pick: BAL)

Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs. Indianapolis Colts (Pick: IND)

Minnesota Vikings vs. Denver Broncos (Pick: DEN)

New York-AFC vs. New York-NFC (Pick: NYJ)

Detroit Lions vs. Pittsburgh Steelers (Pick DET)

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Reminder of those picks: KC, SF, BUF, DAL, LAC, NE, JAX, LAR, CLE, TEN, MIA, BAL, IND, DEN, NYJ

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More sh*tposting next week, until then.... What is it Christie...

(Did we fail the course...?)

This isn't a class, Christie. So again, this is your captain scoring the game winning touchdown and saying see you next time.

Let's get sh*t-posting: Preseason Week 1 Ravens Analysis and NFL Preseason Week 2 Selections

The following is a journalistic presentation of
The Captain's Purple Anchor Productions
Ravens Roost 117 Blogging

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If you are like me and just want to humor people, well then this blog is for you. If you don't like the nastiness, then you need to leave... But we are all here for my analysis right? Parlay bets and stuff... Yeah... you'll get that when the regular season comes around...

I only did the bets and parlays to give you an overview of what I am going to do. Now take that $1,000 you have and put it away... Don't put it in your wallet, it won't fit... Maybe put it in that smelly sock that can walk to the washer... Or do the old Sanford and Son secret hiding place where it takes two taps and a fist slam to open...

Ladies and Gentlemen, the era of sh*t posting is here... Not the way UrinatingTree does it, but the way I do it. We're going to get everyone humored and so on... We need people to laugh... We need people to take the sarcasm the way it should be, sarcastic...

So just a reminder that all of my blogs are rated PG-13... We don't want prying eyes on these things now do we.

Why don't you grab a chair, sit down and take a good look at what we can expect this week as week 2 is upon us...

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Week 1 of preseason is in the books... everyone has played their first game... the football Gods are pleased again... everyone is going to be 0 and 0 in a few short weeks and gunning for that Lombardi trophy in February...

Question is: How did the Ravens stack up in week 1 of preseason...

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Analysis of the Ravens for Week 1:

The Ravens won their 21st preseason game of the year... While it is 21 in a row and we have a blackjack on our hands, why not go for bust and play for 22 in a row...? You see what I did there...? 21, blackjack? Over 21, bust? Ha! I kill me! Yeah, bad joke.

Tyler Huntley was the obvious choice to start the game mainly because Lamar just wants to sit and wait a bit. But he will have to play sometime... Huntley did very well with a 16/18 day for 109 yards and a TD, plus got 17 yards on the ground, 14 of which coming on 1 play. Huntley's definitely starting to get some interest from other teams... Put a first-rounder on him, boys.

Shemar Bridges is making a case to be on the team as he picked up 4 receptions for 62 yards and a touchdown... The Ravens were 28/35 for 259 yards passing on 3 QBs, which isn't bad but Brett Hundley *BOOM* got cut... So it looks like Anthony Brown Jr. could be the 3rd stringer behind Huntley.

Anthony Brown Jr. looked very good as well, Going 10/15 for 117 yards... 

The defense looks a-ok but a lot of the big names weren't playing in that game. Kyle Hamilton had one solo tackle and got burned a few times, but I think he's alright, just a rookie. But Daniel Faalele looked like Fred Astaire, awful light on his feet for his 6' 8" 385lb fat ass. Opening up holes... and throwing his opponents like toys... this kid is going to be a monster... a big monster.... He's Australian so maybe he'll bring some Outback steaks and some Kookaburra wings for the team.

Special teams looked great with Tucker picking up a 3/3 FG, 2/2 XP day for 11 points with a long of 47. Jordan Stout averaged nearly 50 yards a punt. But did you hear about that kid who's playing for Buffalo... good grief a 82 yard punt... Did we pick the right guy? Well of course we did. That kid is clever.

The Ravens got off to a fast start and didn't look back, except for that small moment when they were behind 10-7, I can honestly give the Ravens an A for their performance but the D? Needs to tighten up some... we'll cut them some slack though.

The final stat lines for the Ravens:

11 total offensive drives
69 plays
389 yards of offense (259 Air / 130 Ground)
1 Turnover (+2 on turnover battle)
35:32 Time of Possession
19 First Downs (12 Air / 7 Ground)
8/17 on Third Down

6 penalties for 54 yards

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Week 2 vs. Cardinals (SUN - 8pm - FOX - WBFF-45)

Ok, so we have the Cardinals up next in preseason. Hollywood Brown sees his old mates in a battle. I expect Lamar to maybe play a few series but after that interview with CBS, I expect Lamar to be a bit more fired up on when the season comes around. That CBS sports reporter went after him like the red-headed stepchild he's been treated like. I think Mahomes is right when he says that him and Jackson are treated somewhat differently. The Ravens will need to give Jackson a nice extension but he will have to definitely earn it as the Ravens do have a rather tough schedule to deal with.

Shemar Bridges, if he can continue to play well, he might just have a spot on the team

Isaiah Likely is making waves on this team as he had a few key blocks and made some good catches too.

Binjimen Victor had a few nice plays as well. Good catch there, mate.

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So how did I do last week with my preseason picks?

New York vs. New England (Pick: NE) - Nope

Tennessee vs. Baltimore (Pick: BAL) - YEP!

Atlanta vs. Detroit (Pick: DET) - Nope

Cleveland vs. Jacksonville (Pick: JAX) - Nope

New York-AFC vs. Philadelphia (Pick: PHI) - Nope

Arizona vs. Cincinnati (Pick: ARZ) - YEP!

Green Bay vs. San Francisco (Pick: GB) - Nope

Kansas City vs. Chicago (Pick: KC) - Nope

Carolina vs. Washington (Pick: CAR) - YEP!

Indianapolis vs. Buffalo (Pick: BUF) - YEP!

Seattle vs. Pittsburgh (Pick: SEA) - Nope

Miami vs. Tampa Bay (Pick: TB) - Nope

New Orleans vs. Houston (Pick: NO) - Nope

Dallas vs. Denver (Pick: DEN) - YEP!

Los Angeles vs. Los Angeles (Pick: LAC) - Nope

Minnesota vs. Las Vegas (Pick: LV) - YEP!

Record: 6-10 (6-10 on the preseason). Yeah well, maybe we can do better this week... good thing I didn't parlay... yeesh.

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Week 2 selections (Week 1 was a preview of the betting, now there will be no bets placed on these because... it's preseason and no one gives a flying fudge about it).

Chicago Bears vs. Seattle Seahawks (Pick: CHI)

Carolina Panthers vs. New England Patriots (Pick: CAR)

New Orleans Saints vs. Green Bay Packers (Pick: NO)

Houston Texans vs. Los Angeles-NFC (Pick: LAR)

Denver Broncos vs. Buffalo Bills (Pick: BUF)

Detroit Lions vs. Indianapolis Colts (Pick: IND)

Washington Commanders vs. Kansas City Chiefs (Pick: KC)

Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs. Tennessee Titans (Pick: TEN)

Las Vegas Raiders vs. Miami Dolphins (Pick: MIA)

San Francisco 49ers vs. Minnesota Vikings (Pick: MIN)

Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Jacksonville Jaguars (Pick: PIT)

Dallas Cowboys vs. Los Angeles-AFC (Pick: LAC)

Philadelphia Eagles vs. Cleveland Browns (Pick: PHI)

Cincinnati Bengals vs. New York-NFC (Pick: CIN)

Baltimore Ravens vs. Arizona Cardinals (Pick: BAL)

Atlanta Falcons vs. New York-AFC (Pick: ATL)

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Reminder of those picks: CHI, CAR, NO, LAR, BUF, IND, KC, TEN, MIA, MIN, PIT, LAC, PHI, CIN, BAL, ATL

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More sh*tposting next week, until then, this is your captain scoring the game winning touchdown and saying see you next time.

NFL Preseason Week 1 selections

Hello everyone,

Happy Preseason and it's time for selections for the preseason. Yeah, it may be preseason but still a time for celebration because football is back and the autumn wind will soon be blowing again. So let's get down to the preseason picks and bets (Safety and Hard Bets). There will be no summarization of the games due it only being preseason.

Safety Bets are usually between $2 - $20
Hard Bets are usually between $50 - $250

A reminder that you must give the home team 3 points

New York-NFC vs. New England
Opening line: NYG by -2 (Technical: NE by 1)
Over/Under: 34 points
Pick: NE

3 part parlay on the money line is +370 with Win/Totality of the Points/Spread

My safety bet is $10
Win: $37.00 + $10.00 bet = $47.00

My hard bet is $60
Win: $222.00 + $60 bet = $280.00

Atlanta vs. Detroit
Opening line: ATL by -1.5 (Technical: DET by -2.5)
Over/Under: 33 points
Pick: DET

3 part parlay on the money line is +540 with Win/Totality of the Points/Spread

My safety bet is $20
Win: $108.00 + $20 bet = $128.00

My hard bet is $80
Win: $432.00 + $80 bet = $512.00

Cleveland vs. Jacksonville
Opening line: JAX by -1.5 (No +3 point handover as the home team is favored)
Over/Under: 33 points
Pick: JAX

3 part parlay on the money line is +490 with Win/Totality of the Points/Spread

My safety bet is $5
Win: $24.50 + $5 bet = $29.50

My hard bet is $75
Win: $367.50 + $75 bet = $442.50

New York-AFC vs. Philadelphia
Opening line: NYJ by -3 (Even due to Philadelphia getting 3 points as home squad)
Over/Under: 33 points
Pick: PHI

3 part parlay on the money line is +520 with Win/Totality of the Points/Spread

My safety bet is $12
Win: $58.80 + $12 bet = $70.80

My hard bet is $95
Win: $465.50 + $95 bet = $560.50

Arizona vs. Cincinnati
Opening line: CIN by -2 (No +3 point handover as the home team is favored)
Over/Under: 33.5
Pick: ARZ

3 part parlay on the money line is +600 with Win/Totality of the Points/Spread

My safety bet is $15
Win: $90.00 + $15 bet = $105.00

My hard bet is $65
Win: $390.00 + $65 bet = $455.00

Green Bay vs. San Francisco
Opening line: SF by -1 (No +3 point handover as the home team is favored)
Over/Under: 33.5
Pick: GB

3 part parlay on the money line is +575 with Win/Totality of the Points/Spread

My safety bet is $10
Win: $57.50 + $10 bet = $67.50

My hard bet is $80
Win: $460.00 + $80 bet = $540.00

Kansas City vs. Chicago
Opening line: CHI by -3.5 (No +3 point handover as the home team is favored)
Over/Under: 35 points
Pick: KC

3 part parlay on the money line is +440 with Win/Totality of the Points/Spread

My safety bet is $15
Win: $66.00 + $15 bet = $81.00

My hard bet is $100
Win: $440.00 + $100 bet = $540.00

Carolina vs. Washington
Opening line: WSH by -2 (No +3 point handover as the home team is favored)
Over/Under: 36
Pick: CAR

3 part parlay on the money line is +510 with Win/Totality of the Points/Spread

My safety bet is $8
Win: $40.80 + $8 bet = $48.80

My hard bet is $70
Win: $357.00 + $70 bet = $427.00

Indianapolis vs. Buffalo
Opening line: BUF by -3.5 (No +3 point handover as the home team is favored)
Over/Under: 34 points
Pick: BUF

3 part parlay on the money line is +330 with Win/Totality of the Points/Spread

My safety bet is $10
Win: $33.00 + $10 bet = $43.00

My hard bet is $90
Win: $297.00 + $90 bet = $387.00

Seattle vs. Pittsburgh
Opening line: PIT by -3 (No +3 point handover as the home team is favored)
Over/Under: 35 points
Pick: SEA

3 part parlay on the money line is +415 with Win/Totality of the Points/Spread

My safety bet is $7
Win: $29.05 + $7 bet = $36.05

My hard bet is $125
Win: $518.75 + $125 bet = $643.75

Miami vs. Tampa Bay
Opening line: MIA by -1 (Technical: TB by -2)
Over/Under: 32 points
Pick: TB

3 part parlay on the money line is +745 with Win/Totality of the Points/Spread

My safety bet is $15
Win: $111.75 + $15 bet = $126.75

My hard bet is $65
Win: $484.25 + $65 bet = $549.25

New Orleans vs. Houston
Opening Line: NO by -1.5 (Technical: HOU by -2.5)
Over/Under: 33.5 points
Pick: NO

3 part parlay on the money line is +645 with Win/Totality of the Points/Spread

My safety bet is $9
Win: $58.05 + $9 bet = $67.05

My hard bet is $80
Win: $516.00 + $80 bet = $596.00

Dallas vs. Denver
Opening Line: DEN by -2.5 (No +3 point handover as the home team is favored)
Over/Under: 33.5 points
Pick: DEN

3 part parlay on the money line is +395 with Win/Totality of the Points/Spread

My safety bet is $12
Win: $47.40 + $12 bet = $59.40

My hard bet is $150
Win: $592.50 + $150 bet = $742.50

Los Angeles-NFC vs. Los Angeles-AFC
Opening Line: LAC by -3 (No +3 point handover as the home team is favored)
Over/Under: 31 points
Pick: LAC

3 part parlay on the money line is +575 with Win/Totality of the Points/Spread

My safety bet is $20
Win: $115.00 + $20 bet = $135.00

My hard bet is $85
Win: $488.75 + $85 bet = $573.75

Minnesota vs. Las Vegas
Opening Line: LV by -3.5 (No +3 point handover as the home team is favored)

3 part parlay on the money line is +710 with Win/Totality of the Points/Spread

My safety bet is $5
Win: $35.50 + $5 bet = 40.50

My hard bet is $75
Win: $532.50 + $75 bet = $607.50

Tennessee vs. Baltimore
Opening Line: BAL by -3 (No +3 point handover as the home team is favored)
Over/Under: 33 points
Pick: BAL

3 part parlay on the money line is +500 with Win/Totality of the Points/Spread

My safety bet is $5
Win: $25.00 + $5 bet = $30.00

My hard bet is $110
Win: $550.00 + $110 bet = $660.00

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Safety bet total: $173
Hard bet total: $1405

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So here are my picks for the first preseason: NE, DET, JAX, PHI, ARZ, GB, KC, CAR, BUF, SEA, TB, NO, DEN, LAC, LV, BAL

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This is your captain scoring the game winning touchdown and saying see you next time.